You Don't Have to Let Go: Growing Around Grief While Staying Connected

There's a myth about grief that causes a lot of pain, and it goes something like this: to heal, you have to let go.

Let go of the past. Let go of who you were before. Let go of the person who died.

It sounds reasonable. It might even sound kind. But for most grieving people, it lands like a betrayal.

What if you don't want to let go? What if staying connected to the person who died isn't a sign that you're stuck, it's a sign that you loved them?

Grief Doesn't Shrink. You Grow Around It.

Lois Tonkin, a grief researcher, introduced a concept in the 1990s that has stayed with us ever since. She called it Growing Around Grief. The idea is simple but profound: grief doesn't get smaller over time. What changes is that your life grows around it.

Think of it this way. In the early days after someone dies, grief fills everything. There's no room for anything else. Over time, life begins to expand again, new experiences, new relationships, new versions of yourself start to take up space. The grief is still there, just as real and just as present. But it's no longer the only thing.

This is different from "getting over it." You're not leaving grief behind. You're learning to carry it while also carrying the rest of your life.

Staying Connected Is Not the Same as Being Stuck

One of the most important shifts in grief support over the past few decades is the recognition that continuing bonds with someone who died is healthy. Normal. Even necessary.

You can talk to the person who died. You can include them in decisions. You can introduce them through stories, through photos, through the way you live, to people who never met them. You can feel their presence at a graduation, a wedding, the birth of a child, and let that be complicated and beautiful at the same time.

This isn't magical thinking. It's a meaningful, evidence-informed way of understanding that relationships don't end with death. They change.

What Does This Look Like in Real Life?

In Episode 24 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Charlotte Shuber, a licensed clinical social worker and grieving person shares what this has looked like in her own life. She talks about interacting with her emotions and memories as a practice, not a problem to solve. About including the person who died in her ongoing relationships. About the F in our GRIEF framework: Finding as an ongoing discovery rather than a destination she's trying to reach.

Her honesty is striking. After 25 years, she still calls herself a student of her grief. And that's not a failure. That's wisdom.

You Get to Grieve on Your Own Terms

There is no timeline. No correct way to carry someone you loved. No moment when you should be "over it" or "moved on."

What there is: a life that can hold both the grief and the growth. A relationship with someone who died that can continue to evolve. A you that keeps becoming, without leaving them behind.

That's what growing around grief looks like. And it starts with knowing that letting go was never the only option.

🎧 Listen to Episode 24 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast: Growing Around Grief: Staying Connected While Living Forward with Charlotte Shuber, LCSW. Available wherever you listen to podcasts, or at www.griefladies.com or on YouTube